(Insert Name Here) Wars
--Episode 2--
War in the Pocket, Even Though It Doesn't Fit
Written by: TransmeralPrelude:
Through years and years of spreading like viruses, humanity has finally found its end (around 10:15 in the morning). When the survivors are given the choice between Earth or elsewhere (i.e. Kain or Transmetal), the people were divided into surprisingly equal amounts. 1/2 Earth, 1/2 Container. Kain soon became irritated whenever he pulled out a telescope and looked into the areas that are really hard to see, and saw The Container. He formed a Dark Council, in which they decided to build a giant beam cannon and blow it out of the sky. They were successfull... But what they didn't plan was that Transmetal would survive the crash...
The light slowly creeps over the horizon. And finally, the sun rises. We can see the massive chrome shine that eminates from Kain's gigantic Beam Cannon. The cannon is carefully aimed at a unassuming white house about 2 miles away.
"READY! AIM?! FIRE!!!!"
"Sir? We've been out of ammo for over a week now."
"Well... er... Then get some more!"
"Sir, we've destroyed half of the solar system, what else is there to fire at?"
"Grrrr... Have you been paying attention at all?!"
Kain pondered on this latest development. His giant beam cannon had effectivly destroyed The Container, then several other planets after that. This had all been done with Kain(patented) ammo. Perhaps...
"Deck officer, what ammo would be similar in material and shape to my Kain(patented) ammo?"
"Sir, I'll check." The Deck Officer gave the royal salute; right arm out, forearm bent upwards, left arm overlapping and resting on lower right arm. Kain had guessed correctly that nobody else knew what that meant. He was however concerned about the ammo. Those 30 years Transmetal had spent making The Container were the same years that Kain had spent developing it, how could the officer find anything similar?
"Sir, we've found something!"
"It looks exactly the same. Didn't you just tell me we didn't have any more Kain(patented) ammo?!"
"Actually sir, its a Dole Banana."
"..."
"It's made of the same material and its effectiveness against targets should be exactly the same, sir."
"So you're comparing my Kain(patented) ammo to a Dole Banana..."
"No, no ... Of course not... er..."
"Well, I seem to have found another source of ammo anyway."
"Huh, sir?"
It was quite the massive fortress, thought Transmetal. It was made of an impossible to penetrate material he had ingeniously dubbed: Transmetal. How clever!, he thought to himself. The whole fort was made from this material. The fort itself was massive. Transmetal had measured it to be 10 feet wide by 10 feet long by 10 feet deep. Within it, he had made his army of... But wait...
"What the?!" The RED alarm began to sound. He could tell this because the alarm sounded RED. Oh my, what a genius! Once Transmetal reached the top of his fortress, he noticed that Kain's offensive equipment was activated. Kain had been randomly firing bananas lately, and he wondered what had possessed Kain to fire the damn thing again. What happened next would be remembered by future generations as the "Shot heard around the area, but not past the 5 mile marker". The Beam Cannon fired, there was a large plume of smoke, Transmetal could almost make out the shape of... of... a human?
"HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTT!!!!!" Transmetal dives for cover, too late. The human body rammed into the impenetrable fortress, penetrating the outer wall and landing in the middle of the floor. Transmetal notices that the human is dressed in a black skirt with a skin tight top, the official uniform of Kain's most deadly army core, the Really Evil and Deadly Army Corp. In particular, his uniform showed he was a Deck Officer.
"What was that?! Why did you just destroy my invincible fortress?!" Cried out Transmetal.
"Who are you? Ah well, I'm dying so I'll divulge some top-secret information... Don't compare... Kain (patented) ammo... to bana... nas......" And thus a useless tool died, not that anyone cares, but he died none the less.
"Oooook... OOF!" Another body landed on Transmetal.
"Sir? Can I interest you in some encyclopedias?" Asked the newly arrived body.
"What the?! OOF!" Another body...
"Would you like fries with that?"
"AAAAHHHHHHH!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!" Transmetal screams.
Inside Kain's fortress, we see a long line of cannon fodder, ranging from Telemarketers to the Backstreet Boys. Kain is laughing maniacally as he loads them one by one into the cannon, firing it every 10 seconds.
"MUWAHAHAHA!!! I WILL CONTINUE TO LAUGH MANIACALLY AND LOAD MY WEAPON WITH CANNON FODDER TILL THAT FOOL SURRENDERS!!! HAHAHA... huh?!" A distant rumbling can be heard, Kain is still loading people into his cannon and firiing, but he is paying attention to the sudden appearance of a huge colored mass appearing from Transmetal's base. Pink, blue, red, and black colors swirl in strange patterns.
"What in my hell are you doing, Transmetal?"
"Ah, the answer to that is quite simple. With some ingenius planing, anyone can defeat even the most formidable foe. MY plan was to distract you with a stylized decoy. During which time, I would run over here, into your base. Inside the base, I would sneak up behind you and... and... hmmm... What comes next?" Kain, by this time, is physically stunned by Transmetal's incompetence.
"Oh yea! You would become stunned by my incompetence at revealing my plan to you. So now, I have to take out the guards." After several calls on the intercomm, several members of the Really Evil and Deadly Army Corp suddenly appear, surrounding Transmetal.
"Now," Proclaims one of them in a lispy tone "You will DIE!!!"
Time slows; the first guard jumps off his feet. With incredible power, he flies towards Transmetal, feet formed into a flying kick. Transmetal ducks under the kick, uses his arm against the bottom of the guard's leg to create more force into his lunge. The guard comes into contact with the wall with a resounding smack. During which time, Transmetal flies at a high velocity towards the second guard, whom tries to block, but is caught off guard when Transmetal pushes himself upwards at the last second and smashes him in the face. Blood flies out of the nose as his skull cracks against the ground. The third guard runs up behind Transmetal, firing several rounds from his semi-automatic. Transmetal turns around, flipping, ducking, bending, manuvering to avoid every one of the projectiles. His movements bring him up next to the guard, whom caught by surprise, is quickly terminated when Transmetal points the semi-automatic towards the guard's chest and squeezes the trigger. Holes poking through the guards back, allow blood to stream forth, creating a puddle on the floor.
Transmetal's attention is brought to bear on Kain. Transmetal runs over to the wall, using it as a base to push off from and fly towards Kain. As time continues to go a slower rate, Transmetal forms his hand into a sharp, piercing form. His hand is about to make contact to Kain's neck when...
"Damn you guys move slow, no wonder they were real crappy at their job. And by the way, those support wires look real tacky." Kain slaps Transmetal's hand upwards, and pushes him body back to the wall. Transmetal's body smacks into the wall, and he starts swinging back and forth.
"Screw you Kaine!"
"Its Kain not... WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"
"Kaine..." Transmetal quickly cuts the support wires from his back and runs like hell.
"You cannot escape!!! Wait... Maybe you can... Ah hell..." Kain watches as Transmetal loads himself into the cannon, which then fires. Transmetal's body flies towards the horizon. Kain ponders this new development, but before he can finish...
"Lord Kain?" Kain sees it to be a member of the Dark Council.
"Yes? What is it?" Kain also takes note that several other members are standing behind him.
"We have decided to go on strike."
"Hm? Excuse me?"
"To put this plain and simple, Transmetal told us that he paid HIS minions several cents a month."
"Oh, well thats not a problem. I just eliminated half of my minions anyway."
"Yes, but Transmetal also lets them eat their food."
"Oook... That's stretching it a bit. But ok."
"And finally, Transmetal let them play his X BOX."
"WHAT?! NO! NEVER! NOT IN A MILLION YEARS WILL ANY OF YOU TOUCH MY X BOX!"
"Then I'm afraid we'll have to go on strike... Come'on fellow minions!" The Dark Council leaves the room.
"Heh... Wait a sec... Since when did Transmetal have a... X BOX... WAIT! HE NEVER DID! DAMN HIM!"
Outside, we see several hundred members of the VXPT (or Vampires for X BOX Play Time) picketing the Kain Capital building. Chants of "LET US PLAY X BOX" are widely heard. Even more widely heard are chants of "SCREW YOU BITCH". And, wait, we even see... in the crowd... is that... Transmetal?!
To be continued?
Damn straight, it'll be!
Damn straight, it'll be!