(Insert Name Here) Wars
--Episode 1--
Echoes in Time...Wait, That's Just a Puddle
Written by: KainThrough years and years of spreading like viruses, humanity has finally found its end...sort of. In a future far in the distance of time, at approximately 10:15 a.m., humanity will have squandered the Earth's resources and reproduced too frequently to sustain itself. Billions of people die off in a single instant. Only 300 of the unfortunate people survive, but since there's no one else around, they have plenty of resources to survive for at least a few more millennia. Don't question this, just read it. The humans need a leader to ensure their survival on the near-but-not-quite-lifeless Earth. Who will be chosen? As if I didn't know...
One man rises to the power of ruling over all of Earth's inhabitants. That man is...Kain. None dare to challenge Kain's power. Okay, maybe a few did, but they didn't succeed. However, not all the people wanted to continue living on just a dried up planet (go figure). Those who wanted to leave were free to, but had to live with...wait...what's his name? Oh yeah, they had to live with...Transmetal.
When given the choice between Earth and elsewhere, the people were divided into surprisingly equal amounts. 150 people stayed on Earth and 150 people went to live with Transmetal and build his space colony, The Container. This was fine with Kain for he didn't mind having less people to hear complain.
In 30 years, The Container had finally completed construction (what? If it took any longer we'd be dead). At first, Kain admired the silver and blue object floating in the sky, but after another 20 years, Kain was pissed at the sight of it. He hated the fact that whenever he looked up, he would see that metallic nightmare. In all actuality, Kain had to pull out a telescope and look into the areas that are really hard to see, but nonetheless, Kain hated it. And soon, he called together his Council of Dark People of Darkness...he's working on the name.
With his colony built and his people happy, Transmetal jumps and kicks up his heels in joy, but then gets fined for breaking his "kicking-heels-in-joy" law. Transmetal has a colony of 450 people. He figures that people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce at the original rate, so he has started test tube babies that he waters once a day or whenever he gets around to it. This keeps the population of lazy, videogame-crazed people stable. He has long forgotten about the people on Earth. Just then, he remembers. He begins to wonder what his old Webmaster, Kain, is doing right now.
The Dark Council (yes, he renamed it) has been gathered and told of their new name. Kain looks around at all the faces that he has forgotten the names of. Then Kain speaks, "Council, I have seen the future of Earth, and it isn't grand. For we all must stare at the floating circus tent whenever we look to the sky! We must act to end this treachery and bring back what is ours!"
A council member raises his hand. Kain looks at him wide eyed and asks, "What is it...err...you?!"
"I was wondering, Lord Kain, how will we end this vile act against us?"
"Hmm...good wording. Anyway, we'll build a giant beam cannon and blow that sucker out the sky!" One council member claps. A cough is heard. The applause sign kicks on. Everyone cheers and claps.
Back on The Container, Transmetal is watering his test tube babies and is pondering about what he'll do for the rest of his day. Some of the colonists that have lives look out at the Earth with the Magnificent Tube O' Looking Far Away At Stuff. They see the beam cannon's construct almost near completion and finishing very quickly. They run and tell Transmetal about it, but Transmetal is too hoped up on god knows what that he doesn't understand a word. Frustrated, those colonists leave The Container on escape pods and flee to Earth.
"The beam cannon is now complete!" screams Kain. "We shall now destroy that blasted Container!" The cannon charges and an hour later, with Kain and everyone else there still in the same position as when it was charging, it fires. The magnificent beam shoots through the sky, misses the colony, and hits the Earth's TV satellite. Kain looks up in the telescope. He sees the "DAMN IT! Fire again and this time AIM...*sniff, sniff*...now I can't watch cartoons." The beam roars through the heavens once more, this time it hits its target (like to see say that five times fast)!
Transmetal is just about finished with the watering of the test tubes when, suddenly, a gigantic beam cuts straight through the floor in front of him. Transmetal, suddenly realizing what has happened, quietly states, "Oh shit." The colony burst into flames in a way that looks like a bad 70's film explosion. When the smoke clears, all that can be seen amongst the rubble is Transmetal, sitting in his escape pod, thinking of where he'll go next.
Kain holds an incredible celebration immediately after the colony is destroyed. On a vast table, a feast that is only fit for an army of kings, and Kain plans to eat it all alone. Well...the council members are invited to have pudding, but nothing else. Kain is very proud of himself for destroying The Container and plans on having someone go into space, find one of the doors of The Container, bring it back, and nail it to Kain's wall as a trophy. He is also planning on selling the beam cannon to the orphanage for a plump sum. But, all of a sudden, Kain wonders. He wonders what his old review board member, Transmetal's, last words were. If he only knew...but he didn't. Suddenly, Kain heard a familiar voice from a far, far, far distance cry out,
"DAMN YOU, KAINE...DAMN YOU!" First, Kain yells back,
"IT'S KAIN, JACKASS, NOT KAINE!!"* Then he remembers the voice, and forgets again in an instant. Oh well.
* an inside joke between me and the dumb ass Transmetal who constantly miss types my name...uh...nevermind
You're damn right it will be!