The Night Before Christmas Episode II

Death Comes for the Lazy by Quantum Human

 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the land,
All the peasants were cowering, in fear of Kain's hand;
His swords, they were laid by the chimney with care,
In hopes that dark spirits would enter the lair;

Jabox4 was nestled deep in his chair,
Playing Blood Omen, his face bathed in glare;
and Cheese with his soda, and Trans with a book,
And Barbie Boy bleeding in his little nook.

When outside the den there arose such commotion,
Kain sprang from his place, the whole crew was in motion.
Away to the entrance, through the corridor,
Disabled defenses and dashed through the door.

The moon cast a pall on the ominous scene,
Giving life to things dead, or at least so it seemed;
When, what to Kain's burning red eyes should appear,
But a bloody huge car; the T-Wagon was here!

With a psychotic driver - 'twas Quantum, indeed,
Bearing down at relativistic speed.
More rapid than photons his chariot came,
As he yelled to his passengers, each by their name;

"Now, Bio! now, Shadow! now Jabox, and Cheesy!
On, Wolfbane! on Quantum! on Spot, Trans, and Barbie!
To the end of the lot! to the door to the mall!
Now laugh away! scream away! act like fools, all!"

As opponents that before Kain's blades always fall,
When met with the edge, they fail, each and all,
So too did the mall succumb to this invasion
Of freaks, goons, and morons - Kain's personal legion.

And then, for some reason, he heard on the roof
The bitching and moaning of that little group.
As Kain curled up his fist, and was turning around,
Down from the roof Barbie came with a bound.

He was dressed all in rags, from his head to his feet,
And his clothes were all bloodied from the times he'd been beat;
A bundle of games he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a hobo with naught but his pack.

Kain's eyes - how they twinkled! his smile how sadistic!
His countenance like granite, his plans cataclysmic!
His plotting-grin lines surfaced from his head,
Where his deep-sunken orbs were both gleaming blood red;

A shard of bleached bone he held tight in his teeth,
And Barbie Boy cringed at the sight of his sheath;
He wore a long coat and a dark shirt as well,
With "B.O.O." writ thereon; the dread emblem of hell.

He was not round or plump, and no pussy-bitch elf,
But a killing machine, and he knew that himself;
A narrowing of his eye, and a tilt of his head,
Soon gave Barbie to know he had reason to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to the maiming,
Crushing Barbie's weak bones, and all the while laughing,
And shoving his tanto straight up Barbie's rear,
He smiled at the screams floating into his ear;

He sprang to the Wagon, to the staff gave a whistle,
And away they all drove like a slightly drunk missile.
To the staff he exclaimed, with a psychotic smirk,
"Merry Christmas to all - NOW GET BACK TO WORK!"

Kain: "Lazy good-for-nothing bastards... thinking holidays are an excuse to slack off... DAMMIT, if all of you don't get back to doing stuff I'll horrifically maim you, too!"
Trans: "But... we..."
Kain: "SHUT UP AND WORK, TRANS!"
Quantum: "Wait, shouldn't you at least have warned Barbie before mercilessly crushing his material form?"
Kain: "He never does any work anyways. He was overdue for a good episode of random brutality."
Quantum: "Oh. Good point"
Kain: "Yes, I... WAIT A MINUTE! WORK, BITCH!"
All: "SEIG HEIL!"