The Time Travel Chronicles
1930; Barbie Boy as Mohandas Gandhi
Written by Quantum Human(India, 1930. Barbie Boy has traveled back in time to become Mohandas K. Gandhi, leader of the Indian semi-revolution-thingy and advocate of civil disobedience. We join Barbie on his famous Salt March across India.)
Barbie: Wait, who am I again?
Quantum: You're Gandhi.
Barbie: Who's Gandhi?
Quantum: You're leading the Indian rebellion against the British Empire. The Indians are tired of being a colony of the United Kingdom, so they're trying to get rid of them.
Barbie: Cool! So I get to put on warpaint and kill Redcoats with tomahawks, right?
Quantum: First, you're an idiot. Second, you're Indian, not Native American. As in from India. Bharat. Whatever you want to call it. Third, Gandhi was famous for being a peaceful revolutionary - he never killed anyone. And fourth, you're still an idiot.
Barbie: ... So no tomahawks?
Quantum: Just shut up and march.
Later that day...
Barbie: Hey, this is kind of fun. I'm just walking around and people are bowing to me and walking with me. I could get to like this.
Nine days later...
(Barbie lifts up one foot, callused and bleeding from nine days of walking barefoot across the Indian countryside.)
Barbie: This isn't fun anymore...
Quantum: Stop whining and keep walking. Sissy.
Barbie: Hey, I don't see you walking!
Quantum: That's because I'm still in the present. I'm operating the time machine, nimrod. Otherwise you're not coming home.
Barbie: Well... er... oh, fine. How much longer do I have to walk?
Quantum: Fourteen days or so.
Barbie: Fourteen days? My feet are going to fall off!
Quantum: You can't make your feet fall off by walking!
Barbie: I want to come home!
Quantum: Too bad!
Barbie: Home, dammit!
Quantum: Shut up, Barbie!
Barbie: HOME!!!
Quantum: FINE! I'll make you a deal! Either you shut the hell up and finish the march, or I bring you home and make Kain do it, then hand him his battou and lock the two of you in a soundproof room!
Barbie: ... I'll walk.
Quantum: Thought so. Now stuff it.
Fourteen or so days and several reiterations of the same death threat later...
Barbie: Finally! There's that damn ocean! Now can I come home?
Quantum: Not quite yet.
Barbie: Then what now?
Quantum: Go get some salt.
Barbie: Why the hell would I want salt?
Quantum: The British made it illegal for Indians to make salt without their permission. You don't like the British, so you're going to make salt.
Barbie: Fine! I'll go get some salt! But you'd better bring me home afterwards!
(Barbie walks over to the ocean and picks up a big handful of salt from the water's edge.)
Barbie: Here's your bloody salt!
British Soldiers: BEAT DOWN TIME!!!
Barbie: Wha- OW!!!
Indian People: ROD-NEY KING! ROD-NEY KING!
(Barbie is beaten mercilessly by the British soldiers, then taken to a jail cell in London, awaiting a meeting with Prime Minister Winston Churchill.)
Barbie: Damn you, Quantum! Why didn't you tell me they were going to hurt me if I picked up the salt?
Quantum: Because then you wouldn't have done it, and we'd have been stuck on that stupid beach for the next thirty years. Besides, it was funnier that way. You should see the look on your face when they jumped you. I've got it saved on the computer back in the present.
Barbie: Dude, when I get back, I'm gonna...
Hopkins: The Deputy Governor has arrived.
Barbie: What? Where'd you come from?
Quantum: Hey - get out of my play! Just because Miller kicked you out doesn't mean you're welcome here!
British Jail Guy: Sorry about that, he's a bit of a loony. Right-o, then, the Prime Minister is here and he'd like to see you.
(PM Winston Churchill enters the room.)
Barbie: Mr. Churchill, sir! It's an honour to meet you, you're a really nice guy, great job with the war and all of that stuff, and this is all a really big misunderstanding, man, I'm not really Gandhi, I'm just a kid from the future, and please don't kill me -
Churchill: Get away from me, you freak!
(PM Winston Churchill exits the room.)
Barbie: So what now?
British Jail Guy: Looks like you'll be 'ere for a while, lad.
Barbie: Dammit, Quantum, get me out of 'ere - aaagh, here!
Quantum: Nope... we took a vote back here in the present. All but Cheese said you stay. And Cheese was only holding out to replace the jail guy with Hannibal Lecter.
Barbie: I hate you all!
(Barbie Boy lasted three days, six hours, nineteen minutes, and thirty-seven seconds in jail before dying of chronic whinybitchitis, aggravated by periodic savage beatings from the Prime Minister. The British retained control of India for two decades until its economy collapsed, at which time they sold it to France for three pounds thirty-five P and a bloody huge side order of fries. The French immediately transformed the entire nation of India into EuroDisney 2. The end.)