The Time Travel Chronicles
Late 1944; Kain as Adolf Hitler
Written by Quantum Human(Berlin, late 1944. Adolf Hitler, who is now in reality Kain, is in conference with his top aides.)
Kain: Herren, welche Nachrichten Sie haben?
Goering: What?
Kain: Sprechen Sie Deutsche nicht?
Goering: I have no idea what you're saying, General.
Kain: Oooooooookay. What news do you have?
Goering: The Luftwaffe is in position, Fuhrer.
Kain: Right there!
Goering: What?
Kain: You were speaking German!
Goering: No, I wasn't.
Kain: Yes, you were! You just said "Luftwaffe" and "Fuhrer!"
Goering: Are you feeling okay, Herr Hitler?
Kain: YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Goering: Perhaps you should lie down, mein herr.
Kain: Okay, forget it. Just forget it. You said the Luftwaffe is ready?
Goering: Yes, Herr Hitler.
Kain: And the infantry?
von Kleist: Ready, Herr Hitler.
Kain: Good. In three days, I don't want to see any evidence that London was ever there.
von Kleist: London? But the infantry was told Paris!
Goering: And the Luftwaffe is ready to bombard New York!
Kain: What? You morons! Get them to London!
von Kleist: But-
Kain: Shut up! London! NOW!
Both: Jawohl, mein Fuhrer!
Kain: DAMMIT, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!
Meanwhile, somewhere in France...
French Soldier 1: Alors! Qu'est-ce que c'est, la-bas? (Hey! What's that over there?)
French Soldier 2: Mmm... c'est un soldat Nazi!(Hmm... it's a Nazi soldier!)
1: Nous le tuerons? (Shall we kill him?)
2: Eh, pas maintenon. Buvons d'abord. (Eh, not now. Let's have a drink first.)
1: Ah, bon. Le bordeaux? (Excellent. The Bordeaux?)
2: De cours. (Of course.)
(The two soldiers happily drink themselves into oblivion.)
Meanwhile, back to Germany...
Kain: Herren...
von Kleist: What?
Kain: Dammit! YOU! Are you ready to attack London yet?
von Kleist: Yes, Fuhrer!
Kain: Goering?
Goering: Absolutely, Fuhrer!
Kain: Then do it!
Both: Jawohl, mein Fuhrer!
Kain: SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF HERE!
Three days later...
Kain: Where's von Kleist?
Goering: I don't know.
Kain: Well, let's begin. The London campaign?
Goering: Yes, mein herr. You see, the bomber wing was approaching London...
Kain: Good...
Goering: ...and they came across a large contingent of troops, west of the city.
Kain: I see...
Goering: The troops fired at them, so we bombed them.
Kain: And?
Goering: Wiped them out, Fuhrer, but I'm afraid they took the bombers with them.
Kain: Damn. Well, at least you took out a good chunk of their army. That should have opened the way for the infantry.
(The door opens, and von Kleist staggers into the room, his head bandaged and left arm in a sling.)
von Kleist: Fuhrer! I bring news of the front!
Kain: Excellent! Go on!
von Kleist: Herr Hitler, we were approaching the city, when we were attacked by a wing of bombers while still far to the west. We took down the wing, mein Herr, but they slaughtered us. I managed to get out alive.
(Kain twitches.)
Kain: You... your infantry was attacked... and you killed the bombers. You... your bombers were attacked... and you killed the infantry. West of the city. Is that right?
von Kleist: Er, yes, mein Herr.
Goering: Yes, Fuhrer.
Kain: Get... out... of... my... sight!
Both: Jawohl, mein Fuhrer!
Kain: OUT!!!
(Kain pulls a sword from under the conference table and chases Goering and von Kleist out of the room, waving the sword and gibbering madly in German. The end.)