Lord of the Rings: How it SHOULD have happened
Written by:In the middle of the second (or was it the first? ah, who cares) age, some bastardly evil dude lost a most precious gift. It had begun as a mere trinket, a plastic ring taken from one of those 50 cent coin machines you find at Price Chopper. But Soar'n, the master of evil things, decided to use it as a wedding ring. You see, back then all the evil people got married. It was just the thing to do. Another thing to do, was to have a bachelor party the night before. There would be strippers, mass murders, and lots of drinking. So here Soar'n was, drinking away, when his equally drunk comrades suggested a competion. Whomever could endow an object with the most ass kicking powers, would win. Being tottaly out of it, at this point, Soar'n put all of his living energy into the plastic ring. His friends did likewise, but being the asshole he was, he made sure that their rings were subservient to his. It's like a practicle joke, except eternity is involved somewhere in there.
Needless to say, the wedding didn't pan out as planned. The joke didn't go over to well, and the guests somehow turned it into a ceremonial massacre (including his wife to be). Soar'n had decided that, as an adult, he would either marry or take over the world. Seeing as the former was not happening, the latter became a rather attractive goal. So yeah... There was much ass kicking... but there were Elves and men and shit that were none too pleased. So more ass kicking commenced. Insert big climatic battle, blah blah blah blah!
Flash forward several hundred years. Through various random coincidences, and some narritive magic, the ring comes into the possession of Billio Bagsy. He's a fat, stumpy fellow, but thankfully so is everyone else where he lives. Also by coincidence, this wizard guy (who's high all the time from smoking weed) named Gangbalf comes by and give's him a good talking to.
Gangbalf: Billio Bagsy! Whaazzzzup my homie?!
Billio: I'm afraid, dear Gangbalf, that the urban lifestyle does not suit you... Is that pipe weed you're smoking?!
Gangbalf: Yeah man... It's crazy... I can do magic tricks and shit now... WHOOOOO!!!
Billio: It may be better for you to just tell me what you want, I don't need people thinking I'm a dealer.
Froopo: Hey! Gang boy! What brings you here.
Gangbalf: Well, there's this... like... ring... and it's evil and we gotta do something.
Billio: No, you don't mean...
Gangbalf: Yes...
Froopo: What?
Billio: No! I found it! It's mine!
Froopo smacks Billio upside the head, who then falls to then ground
Froopo: So, what're we talking about?
Gangbalf: It's this shit going down in Murdor man, it's like bad and stuff. It comes from the ring.
Froopo: The one ring? The one ring to rule them all and in darkness bind them?
Gangbalf: No, we're talking about a cheap ring hidden in Billio's pocket.
Froopo fishes through Billio's pockets, taking out wads of coupons until finding the ring
Froopo: Here, you take it!
Gangbalf: No! You cannot offer me this ring! ... dude!
Froopo: Ok, I'll keep it then.
Gangbalf: No! That's worse!
Froopo: Then what am I supposed to do? Sell it on Ebay?
Gangbalf: No man, you gotta DESTROY it. In the FIRE of Mount Dude.
Froopo: And where is that...
Gangbalf: In the land of Murdor, about 100 miles south east of here.
Froopo: I mean... shit... that'll take way to long. And won't there be guards and stuff?
Gangbalf: That's why we'll create a fellowship, to like, help you on the journey and stuff.
Froopo: Why can't we just dig a hole underground? Better yet, lets send the gardener.
Billio: mmmm...
Gangbalf and Froopo look at each other
Froopo: Actually, let's send him. Here ya go Billio, take this shovel and dig that way!
Gangbalf: Coolio, let's smoke to our success!
Froopo: Hear Hear!
Many months later... The remaining pair have smoked themselves into oblivion. They watch the hole in anticipation.
Froopo: Any moment now...
Gangbalf: ...
Painful screams of anguish echo from the tunnel
Froopo: Hey! Success!
Their celebration is cut off when many thousand of cubic kilotons of molten lava spray forth from the tunnel, flooding the town and killing everyone in it.
In the end of the third (or was it the second? ah, who cares) age, some moron dug a bloody tunnel right into the base of Mount Dude. All the molten lava present had been drained back 100 miles north west, to some quiet town that no one would have bothered to conquer anyway. Soar'n was pissed, but he had long since found a new hobby. Legacy of Kain: Defiance had just been released, and he saw little consequence in having lost his ring of power. He had his xbox, and that was enough.
END