Scene 4.5:
The Shark We Jumped In On


Written by: Transmetal

Quick fact about Transmetal: He is usually pretty mild mannered, but after he has ingested one or more cans of the ‘Nectar of the Gods,’ he becomes a raging berserker that is completely unstoppable. Unless you stop him... but we won’t mention that part.

“Cheesyboy, give him the Dr Pepper!” Kain screams this. He likes to scream, even when people are right next to him. For those of you who didn’t get it, the ‘Nectar of the Gods’ is Dr Pepper. Which kicks ass by the way.

No one asked you about YOUR favorite soda...

...fuckhead

“Great job getting the soda out and giving it to Transmetal despite the fact that you are bound and gagged.”

“Ohh no he’s transforming...”

Powerful transformations come in a wide variety of forms and flavors. You have your basic anime inspired transformation, rife with screaming, bulging of muscles, and random gusts of wind. That's about it actually. Transmetal's transformation is unique in that the randomness inherent in his writing style suddenly takes a physical manifestation.

"Holy shit, ninjas!"

If there's anything Pirates hate more than month old bread and movies with Johnny Depp, it's Ninjas. If there's anything Pirate's hate more than Ninjas, it's Ninjas jumping from the sky and subsequently getting knifed. In all this commotion, it was missed that the boat had inexplicably hopped over a shark.

"Horray for subtle analogies!"

"What?"

"That's Transmetal's code word, he'll calm down now"

"He's not, he's... what are you doing..."

Cheesboy begins wreathing around in the rope.

"It's my coat, from years of soda spills it has hardened into sharp and deadly blades"

"..."

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MUCH CAFFEINE IN MY BLOOD HOLY CRAP MATH GUNDAM SERIOUS SAM BLAST PROCESSING CHEESE NIBLETS HOOOooo it wore off"

CheesyBoy breaks free on his bonds, and proceeds to break off layer of his coat.

"Here Kain, use it as your weapon!"

"Ow, Cheesy... give me the handle not the blade!"

"oh dude, i'm... crashed... i like, need more soduhhh..."

Kain slices his bonds.

"Ok, so... so... the book, where's the fucking book?!"

"Oh right, about that. I was really hungry, a hunger which could only be satisfied by the rich flavor of a plot device."

"You ate the book..."

"No, I traded it for a muffin. See? It smiles!"

Kain resorted to taking his anger out on dragging Transmetal to the lifeboat.

"... splinters... i've got splinters... in my face..."

Now adrift, they find themselves contemplating the recent turn of events. The change of the primary writer, the arrival of Ninjas, but most of all just laughing at Spotlite. Little did they know a terrible parody of CastAway loomed over the horizon. Speaking of Spotlite...

"Does anyone speak english here?"

"Dio che l'idiota, lascia il fuck con questa testa dell'individuo."

"Hey, you. Speaking person. How do I get to the hotel?"

"Non può essere per reale, è come un carattere male scritto in alcuno mezzo assed sposa la storia"

Che il perdente.

"Dammit! Person 2, suck my dick. Person 1? You too. I hate foreign countries! Maybe I'll just find a cardboard box somewhere..."

To be continued in Stage 5: The Word of Boo!