Volume 2:
Unwanted Cameo's
Written by: Cheesy Boy
Driving down the highway, our friends Kain, Cheesyboy, and Transmetal sit in a pickup truck they had stolen from a group of rednecks. Kain drove, because Cheesyboy didn’t have a license, and Kain didn’t trust Transmetal behind the wheel of a go-kart, while Transmetal and Cheesyboy sat in the back.
Cheesyboy taps on the window between the unheated rear storage area of the pickup. “Hey! Hey Kain! I have a question for you!”
“Does it have anything to do with the sex drive of monkeys?”
“Not this time, no.”
“Then ask away,” replied Kain.
“On a scale from 1 to 10, about how bad would it be if Transmetal jumped out of the back of the truck?”
“Hmmm... a 1 would be what on this scale?”
“1 would be excellent, 5 would be kill worthy, and 10 is mediocre.”
“So I take it that it’s a linear scale, and values don’t change drastically?”
“You would be correct.”
“And 1 is good, that’s a little odd,” said Kain. “But I’m going to have to go with a 3.”
“Now hypothetically speaking,” continued Cheese, “what if he had all our money?”
“Why would he have all our money?”
“I don’t trust you not to take it and run, you don’t trust me not to eat it because I think it looks ‘Minty.’”
“To be fair you did eat a lot of the money at that Friendly’s we burned down.”
“IT LOOKED MINTY! Now answer the question.”
“Well, then it would be about a 9 I would say.”
“So your saying that the $53.31 is worth 7 points, and Transmetal is worth 2 points?”
“Yeah, why do you ask?”
“Ohh, Transmetal jumped out a while ago.”
“Ehhh..... He had the money didn’t he.”
“Yes.”
“FUCK!”
Mean while, in the woods about 40 miles back “Got to get away,” panted Transmetal between hurried shallow breaths. “Song... s... so b, bad. Why didn’t he know the rest of the song? It’s not that hard. Nooo, he just had to keep singing ‘HERE WE ARE, BORN TO BE KINGS! WE’RE THE PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE!’ Why can’t he learn a new song, or at least the rest of that song? 5 hours, dear god, 5 hours...”
“Pssst!.”
“Oh look, a mysterious stranger. Those are always fun.”
“You wanna buy a book?”
“I don’t know, all I have is $53.31, and my nearly complete trust in shadowy people with trench coats that roam around in the woods.”
“Well your in luck then. I have a book that’s perfect for you, and it’s only $53.69...”
“31.”
“$53.31.”
“Deal.”
Back to Kain and Cheesyboy “Why didn’t you tell me sooner,” asked an irritated Kain.
“I wanted to see how you would react first.”
“Well now we need to turn around.”
“Just pull a U-turn.”
“On the interstate,” replied Kain. “You can’t do that, there’s the dip thing between the roads.”
“That sounds lie a challenge. $5?”
“Do don’t have a license.”
“You don’t care.”
“Oh, right I forgot.”
Over to you me watching Transmetal... Thanks other me! Transmetal was trying to find his way back to the interstate while reading his new book, The guild to extremely unlikely situations. All of a sudden, a cameo came out of nowhere!
“Hey,” screamed Biosoldier. “I want to be in this story!”
Thinking quickly, Transmetal turned to Chapter 7 of his new book: unwanted Cameo’s and Recipes for Pie. Following the instructions, he said the following.
“Well, there is only one way to solvent... I mean solve this. We shall play a simple game of Russian Rullet.”
“Hmm, alright.”
“We shall use this... this can’t be right... Hello Kitty Brand Magazine loaded Handgun. And I will go fi... Wait it wants me to go first with a MAGAZINE loaded hand gun?”
“Ohh, no! Cheese fooled me with this kind of trick before. I’ll go first.”
“Ummm... hey that’s cool with me.”
And from this day forth, Biosoldier will always be remembered as the guy who shot him self with a Hello Kitty brand hand gun, while playing Russian Rullet with a magazine loaded Gun. God Bless the woman who dropped him on his head.
Finally getting back to the interstate, Transmetal found Cheesyboy and Kain arguing in front of an empty cop car.
“You owe me $5 bucks,” cried a betrayed Cheese.
“But you didn’t change sides of the road, you just e-braked and drove on the wrong side of the road. You were suppose...”
“Don’t you tell me what I’m supposed to do!”
“Hey guys.”
“They were dead when we got to the scene of our own pile up!” They shouted in unison.
“That’s nice, I got a book. Only cost me $53.31.”
“You spent the last of our money on a book?” asked an incredulous Kain.
“Cool, Trans.”
“I hope it’s good for throwing, ‘cuz that’s what’s gonna happen to it.” Transmetal willingly gave Kain the book, and he threw it into the interstate were it was promptly run over. “Wait, why did you give it to me so readily?”
“Because that wasn’t the book I bought. That was A Journal of a Tortured Soul. The book told me you would do that, so I had that ready.”
“What does it say to do now that I’m gonna kick your ass?”
“It says I should put on this blind fold,” he said as he held out a strip cloth. “and put it on thusly.”
“Why?”
“I’m then to say the following words, and wait for your unconditional surrender.”
“Why would I surre...”
“I’M TO SEXY FOR...”
“Dear sweet god I hate you so much,” said a very meek and very scared Kain. He was scared, because those words would set off Cheesyboy. He would begin to strip and sing the song as loudly as he could. So hideous was this sight that one could not take one’s eyes off if, nor could one focus enough to remember the words that would end this infernal nightmare.
And sing he did. And dance... ...he most certainly did. “stop it... please... h, help me,” whimpered Kain as me sat transfixed on the ghastly sight.
Raising his voice so that it might be heard by the half naked psychopath, he shouted, “IS THAT AN ALL YOU CAN EAT TACO BAR AND DR.PEPPER FOUNTAIN?”
He stopped dancing, and began to look for his fondest dream. If police scirens didn’t start flashing in the distance, the scene might of turned ugly... er. But now all they did was flee.
Flee in their new cop car.