The Monkey Incident
Written by: Spotlite“So there I was...surrounded by 13 Ninja Monkies! I had nowhere to run; they were everywhere! So I did what any samurai would do: I pulled out my sword and started hacking monkies left and right! Oh, they were a feisty bunch, but the ability to run 20 miles non stop doesn’t count for shit when you have no legs! Wily bastards almost had me too, but thanks to my ÜBER SAMURAI TWO-HOJILLION QUINTUPPLE-X®!!!!”
“Bull shit!”
“Don’t believe me? Then look at this severed monkey head I have from the fight!” Spotlite held up a monkey head, still bloody.
“Oh GOD! That’s the monkey from the zoo! The 2 million dollar one! They just got it in last week!”
“There’s a zoo around here?”
“Yes, you moron! You better ditch that before you get caught and jailed, and then raped by a big guy named Bubba who calls you his girlfriend!”
“Oh no! BAD HAIRY JUNGLE OF LOVE! Kain, you gotta help me!”
“He...hah...BWAAHAHAHHAHHAHHAGGHAHG!!! HHAhhahha...ha...that’s a good one. Oh...you’re serious. Allow me to laugh even harder.”
*45 minutes later*
“Hehe...he...woooo, ok I’m done. So what did you want again? I forgot why I was laughing.”
“Help me with the monkey problem.”
“Ah, yes. Screw that!!”
“Aww, come on! Remember that time I helped you ditch Barbie’s body after you thought you killed him, but actually just put him in a light coma?”
“Yes, I do. But he wasn’t actually dead. The monkey is. I can see part of its brain.”
“Well, couldn’t I just repay you later?”
“Depends. What will you do for me?”
“Anything, just help me on this!”
“AAAAAnything???”
“YES! Now help me!”
“Okay.”
And with that, Kain grabbed the disembodied monkey head and threw it in a dumpster near by. “Now, about my payment...”
*Later, at Kain’s Lair (Yes, he has a lair now)*
“So I have to be your mindless servant for HOW long?”
“10 years. That’s how long you’d be in prison for if you got caught, so I see it as fair.”
“How about...how about I get someone else to agree to be your servant for 20 years? Would that get me off the hook?”
“Well, I suppose so...but you still have to my servant along with them for 1 week.”
“You got yourself a deal.”
“YOU have 24 hours. Now get going before I decide to lock you up in the dungeon instead.”
So off Lite went, to the great blue yonder...all the way to Quantum Human’s house.
“Hey Quantum...wanna be Kain’s servant for 20 years? It’s great fun!”
“...” And the door was slammed in Lite’s face.
Hour 2: Off to Cheesy Boy’s house.
“Hey Cheesy, wanna be Kain’s servant for 20 years? He’s really nice to people once they obey him without question!”
“Well...I AM tired of this house...”
“You live in a box on Church Street...”
“Yeah, it gets old fast. What’s in it for me?”
“20 years of back-breaking servitude.”
“Naw, I like my backs unbroken.”
Cheese went back to sleep, leaving Lite sitting on the bench next to Cheese’s box wondering. “This isn’t working. Maybe I’ll write a contract in invisible ink, and then have someone sign. No, too obvious. I’ll just write a contract and have Barbie Boy sign it! BRILLIANT!”
Hour 12: Barbie Boy’s abode.
“Hey Barbie, sign this paper! Its really fun, and you get the pen for free!”
“Oh! Oh! Lemme at it!”
“Sign here...here...initial here...and last name here. All done! Come with me.”
“Where we going?”
“Disney World.”
“Sweet! First I find a perfectly good bagel in the trash, then I get a free pen, and now I get to go to Disney World! This is the best day ever!”
“Yeah, yeah. Shut up and walk faster.”
Hour 13: Kain’s Lair.
“Wow, Disney World sure has picked up on the gothic theme fast.”
“Yeah, it a shame. HEY KAIN! SOMEONE IS HERE TO SEE YOU!”
Just then the writer realized this was the dumbest story ever and it was going NOWHERE. Deciding to end it as questionable as possible, the following happened.
“Nice work, Lite. Barbie, put these slave clothes on. Lite, go get the butler suit on. No, we shall feast on ICE CREAM!
“Icecreamyay!”
“Porcupines and turpentine!”
“EE poUr walruss in mA bootz!”
“Banana-ality! Disco Drew wins!”
“RAAAAHHGGGPASTASAUCE!”
“Delary lives! Tell the people!”
“ITS NOT YOU, ITS ME! NOW DRIVE ME HOME, BITCH!”
“L0Lz()rz, 3’/3 2 73|-| 1337 |-|4><02 j002 /\/\4/\/\4 5U><02z!!”
“Indeed.”
And then they all blew up. Wow, that was the worst piece of shit ever. Note to self: never write a story with a cold. FUCK YOU AND YOUR CAT!
The End...z0rz.