Sole Katti
Written by: Spotlite“I don’t think you fully understand the physics to this incredible model! Look! See how far it flies?”
“It’s made out of paper...that you found on the ground...soaked in a puddle...”
“Well, when you say it like THAT!”
“Shut up. Hey, what happened to your head?
As Spotlite and Transmetal sit in a pile of dirty snow, a befuddled Barbie Boy walks up slowly. Something was different about him, but neither could put their finger on it.
“Nothing much. I just had this really bad headache, but I think it’s gone now.”
“Oh, I know what’s different!” said Transmetal excitedly. “You got a haircut!”
“No, not recently”
The two stood up and walked around Barbie, still confused. Something had changed about him, but what?
“Wait, wait. I got it. You got a new hat!” Spotlite considered.
“No, same one I always wear.”
“Damn it!”
“Hey, I know! Your clothes are different; they’re all covered in blood and brains! And...wait, your head is gone too! THAT’S IT!” Transmetal discovered Sherlock Holmes style.
“I don’t see it...oh, now I do! It’s hard to tell cause he never uses it anyway.”
“Oh, that’s probably what the doctor meant when he said I had alien eggs in my head from eating a Burger King apple pie and my brain was gonna explode.”
“Yeah, that’s gotta be it. Hey, its Kain.”
“Hey guys, what’s going o- DAMNIT SOMEONE BEAT ME TO IT!” a distressed Kain noted seeing Barbie’s head was missing from his shoulders.
Sheathing the sword sneakily concealed behind his back, like how a child hides a toy it doesn’t want someone to know it has, he sat down on the bench right next to the dirty pile of snow Trans and Lite were sitting in.
“So...I suppose we should get his head back, so I can cut something off today as I had planned.”
“Sounds good to me. What should we do, though? I don’t know anywhere around here that sells human heads at this hour.”
“Hmm...I still have an old pumpkin sitting in the yard from Halloween.”
“I guess ill just have to settle for slicing that up. Damn it.”
And so they left for Transmetal’s house! And what I fun journey it was, seeing as how Barbie’s stinking neck hole was attracting flies and causing Spotlite to vomit uncontrollably whenever a random burst of goo shot out. Delicious.
So when they finally reached Trans’ house, the pumpkin was still sitting there as foretold by Trans himself.
“So, how should I carve it?”
“Well, it IS Barbie Boy, so you gotta make it goofy lookin’”
“Can do!”
And with that, the group spent 3 hours constructing the perfect head for Barbie...out of a rotting old pumpkin sitting in the yard since fall.
Then, all of a sudden, Cheesy Boy came barreling out of nowhere and hit a nearby rock cliff, sending him through the windshield of his most-certainly stolen car and onto the lawn where the other sat! As he rolled towards them, he stopped in a sitting position, pulled a 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper from his coat pocket, and sat casually as though nothing had happened. Seeing as how this was nothing out of the ordinary, the others didn’t even have to look twice.
“Hey Cheese,” they welcomed together.
“Hey all. What’s going on here?”
“Barbie’s head exploded, so we’re making him a new one.”
“Ah, I see. Can I blow it up afterwards?”
“NO! I CALLED DIBS ON SLASHING IT APART!” Kain screamed, possibly even angrier than before.
“Ok...ill just blow one of his other body parts off.”
To that, the headless Barbie Boy turned quickly and gurgled, “Not my arms! That’s where my hands live!”
“...How is he still talking? He has no mouth to pronounce words!! This doesn’t make any sense!” Biosoldier announced, as though none of the others had even noticed.
“How did he get here?”
“Dunno. Shut up, Biosoldier!”
“Fuck you!”
“Only on Tuesdays.”
“Well, fi-...what?”
“Aaaanyway, it’s done! BEHOLD!” Transmetal lifted the discombobulated pumpkin above his head to show the world, though only .000000001% cared, and that percent was sitting in the yard with him. Makes you think!
Sitting the mangled sphere of orangey-brown pulp on the neck of a head-less Barbie Boy, the others could help but just sit and stare as the eyes on the pumpkin started to blink, and the mouth moved as Barbie made random bubbling noises.
“...OMGWTFBBQ!”
“What the hell? How does that work? I don’t understand it, so I must destroy it!”
And with that, an enraged Cheesy Boy hurled himself 30 feet through the air, slamming the shocked and obviously confused Barbie Boy to the ground, bludgeoning him with Dr. Pepper brand brass knuckles. Within a few minutes, the word Dr. Pepper was imprinted into every inch of Barbie’s flesh. And the substitute head was mashed to bits in Cheese’s blind rage. Sitting up, Barbie’s neck started to ripple, then a mound of skin shot up, forming into a head instantly. The others stood in utter amazement. Though a joke of him not being from earth went around a lot, it was never actually considered to be true until that moment in time.
Just then, a rip in the time space continuum opened above their heads, causing everyone but Barbie to be pulled in. He watched in amusement as all his friends turned to chickens, then got fried, stuffed into buckets, and sold at KFC for $10.99. And all was good.
“JESUS CHRIST!” Barbie Boy shot up in his bed. With his forehead covered in sweat and underwear soaked in urine, he went upstairs reassuring himself “it was only a dream.” He walked into the bathroom, looked into the mirror and saw he had no head; just a gaping neck hole with bits of pumpkin on it, and the word Dr. Pepper pounded into his body everywhere.
He sat and though about it for awhile...“Naaawwww! It’s just a coincidence!” And with that he went back to bed, sleeping soundly for a few hours until the aliens came back for his other body parts.
THE END!!!!