Eggnog
Written by:It began innocently enough. The Domain Kain staff, having survived yet another holiday season, was prepped to kill one another. Isn't it the season to be jolly though? Isn't it a time where enemies should become friends, and drink till they're plastered? Yes, 'tis the season. Thus, we drew straws.
"Hey, let me see your straw." A rather menacing Kain looms over Barbie Boy, who only whimpers in response.
The gang spends several seconds analyzing their own straws, while hiding them from everyone else.
"Alright, whomever has the shortest straw hosts the first annual Domain Kain Christmas celebration. Whomever has the longest supplies all the eggnog."
Kain's face grows red with anger.
"You bastard..."
That's how it began. On the 20th of December, the various staff members packed up their cars, bikes, other various modes of transportation, and headed towards Jabox4's lair. Kain's new car, laden with many cartons of eggnog, made a bee-line for the party. You see there’s a story behind this too, and one that needs telling. Kain’s first car was a mighty beast indeed. A Ford Taurus, the “Romanian Nobleman” of legend. Three shades of blue, and one of red it had. Topping off at a climatic 60 miles/hour, it could push the 80mph barrier whilst traveling downhill. Only a true warrior could master this car; with the lack of an emergency brake, one must prop a wooden stick up against the front left wheel to prevent sliding. As a matter of fact it had no brakes, only a hole in the floor with which to drag your foot against the ground. T'was a polution machine, pumping out more carbon dioxide than a wood chip factory on a sunny day. It was all fine and well, until one day Transmetal requested a ride home from work. Conceding only once the offer of a 2 liter Cherry Coke was presented, he drove Transmetal to the nearest bus station.
“Damn you Kaine!” Transmetal cried
“It’s Kain, not Kaine you moron!”
With this, he drove off. Unwittingly, however, he ran right into the oncoming bus. Jumping clear of the wreckage, he collected his whits and proceeded to the nearest used car dealership.
Back to the story at hand, the staff members were busily playing a round of Halo. Kain’s dramatic entrance, accompanied by a chorus of plastic demons, hailed the end of Halo and the beginning of the feast. A great feast it was, and forever it shall be remembered. Several cans of cooked Spam were passed around, followed by bowls of Fruit Loops and Cocoa Crisps. Friendships were renewed, and all were merry. That is, until they started drinking the eggnog.
“Uhhhg... guys? I don’t... feel... so....”
Transmetal collapses in the chair, his body slumps down. The staff spends a few minutes casting random glances at each other, but quickly go back to their food.
Coldness he felt, like someone had forgotten to turn on the heat during a cold Vermont night. He felt neither warmth in his hands nor in his toes. He attempts to shiver, but finds that he cannot move. His eyes slowly come into focus, he sees a school building and several wide-eyed children staring at him.
“Errr... Happy Birthday?”
The children begin to dance in joy as when he speaks. Transmetal is slightly shocked, until he looks down at himself.
“Oh shit, I’m a snowman.”
The children continue to dance around Transmetal, ignoring his lapse into obscenity. He can’t help shake off a feeling of déjà vu, as he watches his vaguely two dimensional worshipers surround him. Figuring that he can do little to help the situation, he simply smokes his cob pipe and watches the little kids make fools of them.
“Give me my hat back!” Screams an oddly proportioned man. He busts through the school’s doors, running towards the children with his tux flapping behind him.
“No! It's not yours! It's Frosty’s now!”
“Who?”
The children point towards Transmetal, and tux-wearing man, who suddenly looks a lot like Quantum Human, walks towards him with fire in his eyes.
“I’ll be taking THAT.”
Transmetal suddenly freezes in place. Granted, that makes very little sense, seeing how snow IS frozen water combined with dust particles... The point is, once the tux guy takes the hat off Transmetal, he loses all mobility. The children begin to cry as he walks off with Frosty’s hat. Thankfully though, one of the kids is enough of an impudent fuck that he runs up and kicks the guy in the nuts. He takes the hat and places it back on Transmetal (Frosty’s) head.
“Oh... you son of a bitch...”
The guy in the tux tries to run, but Transmetal hops over and kicks the shit out of him. Imagine a 300 pound pile of snow jumping on you repeatedly, then imagine the pile of snow is angry at you. This is how the tux guy must’ve felt as Transmetal stomped him into a ditch, with all the children cheering him on. He finished only once the ground was stained with blood... and water.
“Ah man... I’m melting...”
“We’ll save you Frosty! We’ll send you to the North Pole!”
“Wait, what?”
The children all begin to push Transmetal towards a car, which suspiciously looks like the Romanian Nobleman. His fears are affirmed when he sees the familiar shades of blue, accompanied by a lack of brakes. Without a chance to protest, he is shoved into the car, while a young girl jumps into the drivers seat.
“So... why are you bringing me to the North Pole?”
“’cause it’s always winter there!”
“Are you sure you can drive me all the way there? What will your parents say?”
“I don’t want my mommy to be angry, we’ll just drop you off here.”
Transmetal is unceremoniously shoved out the door, and dragged into a strange transparent cylindrical building by the young girl. He couldn’t resist much, the shock he received from seeing the girl’s bloody stump of a leg after she stopped the car.
“Hey, there’s quite a few tropical plants in here.”
“Yeah... whoa... man... It’s look... whoa...”
“Oh no... You’re getting high off the oxygen.”
A puddle begins to form at Transmetal's feet. He looks down, and realizes he's melting even faster now.
“Say... little girl... you DO realize that this isn’t the North Pole.”
“sister... whoa... I’m like... yeah...”
Transmetal continues to melt.
“To be honest, this is nothing like the North Pole. This is like, the opposite of the North Pole.”
“yeah... I was like... yeah... whoa! You’re like, a snowman!!! Yeah!!!”
Transmetal is melted up to his waist.
“You DO realize this is a freaking green house right?!”
“if ya... ya... ya man... it’s great like... whoa, green and... yeah...”
Transmetal is melted up to his chest.
“If it’s not too much to ask, could you at least bury my remains outside?”
“it’s like... all this.... Plants... mommy... I’m thirsty...”
“... ah dammit ...”
And so it happened, Frosty the Snowman melted in a Green House, thanks to the stupidity of a grade school child. The child eventually died from excessive oxygen, and the melted snow was brushed outside. It was evaporated, and turned into snow which Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer promptly pissed on.
END