Bronte with Extra Cheese
Written jointly by(Note about transcription: This is organized in play fashion for two people. Since we're juggling two characters and a narration, T and Q denote action in character; N(T) and N(Q) indicate out-of-character narration or storyline read by the respective person. It should be made obvious through voice and posture that this is not the same character as Jane Eyre or the Narrator. Most obviously, lines in character should be delivered to the other character, while lines of narration should generally be delivered facing directly outwards and addressing the audience directly. The action and character shifts should be reminiscent of the beginning of "RENT," i.e.:
Mark: Tell the folks at home what you're doing, Roger
Roger: I'm writing one great song
Mark OOC: The phone rings!
Roger: Saved!
Mark OOC: We screen... etc.)
N(Q): Beyond sight, beyond time, beyond the conception of any mortal, being, He exists. In his own little rocking chair, situated in a comfortable yet affordable black hole, one man waits patiently for the pizza delivery guy, for he is... The Narrator! (Da da da!) The laws of physics are like spaghetti to him; long and stringy, yet somehow edible. As an unemployed man, and a very bored one, it is natural that he should write a book. From empty pizza boxes and lumps of congealed cheese he creates his character.
T: Hello.
Q: Hello...?
T: How are you?
Q: Well, I don't really have a personality yet, so it's hard to say.
T: I was getting to that.
Q: Thank you.
T: We'll use this giant wheel of fortune to determine all the traits and situations that will affect your mortal existence.
Q: Do you always talk in the royal collective?
T: Yes we do. Now for the first spin.
Q: How about a name?
T: Fine. (spins) Jane... (spins again) Eyre.
Q: Whatever.
T: (spin) From a rich family... (spin) but an orphan.
Q: Okay.
T: (spin) Living with mean aunt.
Q: Good enough.
T: (spin) Beaten daily and locked in closets.
Q: All right.
T: And... (spin) Christian.
Q: Aww, do I have to be Christian?
T: The wheel has spoken! DO NOT QUESTION THE WHEEL!
Q: Whoa, okay, calm down.
T: Now go forth, my creation, and experience the world!
Q: Right, whatever. (coughs) *Frankenstein.*
T: What was that?
Q: Just clearing my throat.
T: GO!
Q: Fine, I'm going!
N(T): Time passes. Jane has grown up with the Reeds, fallen out of their dubious favour, and is about to travel to Lowood.
Q: You suck.
T: I see you enjoyed your time.
Q: Oh, yes, I do enjoy being locked into closets, beaten by relatives, and hounded by psychotic Christians.
T: Ah, yes, how were the Christians?
Q: Good and horrible. Mrs. Reed gave a lot of lip service, but didn't actually do anything to follow through.
T: What about the good part?
Q: You don't seem to have gotten me there yet.
T: Oh, right. Well, you need this part too.
Q: What for?
T: Well, you see, from these people you've learned how to deal with overbearing personalities, you've learned that some Christians don't really believe in their religion, and you've learned to cope with solitude and oppression.
Q: Um... if you say so... (brightly) I've learned how to take a punch.
T: I guess we're done here... time for you to go back!
N(Q): Le temps passe.
N(T): In English, moron.
N(Q): Oh, right. Time passes. Jane has been at Lowood for a while, and is barely keeping herself together.
T: Care for a beer?
Q: Not me, not now.
T: What?
Q: Nothing.
T: Well, how do you like Lowood?
Q: I vow that someday, somehow, I will kill you slowly and painfully.
T: It's so nice to be appreciated.
Q: You're a complete sadist. How could you even conceive of a place like that?
T: I went to a Catholic school, too.
Q: That would do it. But you miscalculated.
T: How's that?
Q: I found a friend! She's named Helen. She's very strong and quiet and pious, and she puts up with everything that happens at Lowood and stays sane. She's like a sister to me now, and she and I are going to make it through school together.
T: Hmm...
Q: I sense from your suddenly evil expression that something terrible is about to happen to Helen.
T: Whatever could give you that idea?
Q: If you -
T: Back to the world with you!
Q: But I -
N(T): Poof!
Q: (looks around) Damn.
N(T): Time passes. Jane has survived the deadly spring at Lowood, though she has tragically lost her only friend, Helen.
Q: You flaming dirtbag.
T: I know.
Q: I suppose you're going to say this was all supposed to teach me some grand lesson.
T: Well, yes. Though I do enjoy torturing you. However, you were supposed to figure out that sometimes it's better to accept what happens to you than to fight it.
Q: I'm still going to kill you.
T: You don't give up easily, do you?
Q: You created me, so that's your fault.
T: Jane, you have to understand, this isn't about you and me. This is about truth; this is about the journey of consciousness; this is about the evolution of the human self; this is about -
N(Q): The doorbell rings.
T: - PIZZA! Rock on!
Q: Wait, what about -
T: Oh, ah, well, my pizza's here. I don't need you anymore, so feel free to die.
Q: But - URK! (collapses)
T: Mmm... anchovies...
(end)