Biowulf Pt.1
Written by: Transmetal
Master Overlord Kain's throne room is awash in blood-fresh red paint, candle light from the ceiling blessing the room with small rays of light.
"My slaves! I demand an audience!"
His meaning lost upon the Followers of Barbie, they gather in front as a large crowd, waving their lighters in rhythm. They are named as such, after the first castle slave, Barbie Boy. Upon leaving for a institution of higher learning, his legacy was a multitude of illegitimate children. Each inherited small intelligence, and great subservience.
Upon his dark throne, Kain sat in shadow. The candles surrounding the throne had been knocked over, but he found the ambience to his liking. Pizza delivery receipts were never signed correctly, nor were bills paid on time. The giant castle was placed high on a hill, but ran low in terms of budget. One could rightly call him cheap, but would quickly find themselves strapped with metal chains to the dungeon wall, forced eternally to watch repeats of “Mork & Mindy”.
“My slaves! There has been rumor of a great beast terrorizing the serf’s village. What can you tell me of their plight?”
A small, pink, skirt wearing Follower steps forward. He speaks in a stuttering voice, befitting his low station and lackluster public education.
“My, My Lord! A lar… large beast reci… reciting lines of Beowulf has ta.. taken to snacking on the serfs!”
“Have my watchmen not seen this beast entering the village?”
A large, pink, skirt wearing Follower steps forward. He speaks in a slow, monotonous voice, indicative of one who has repeated several years in seventh grade English, yet still not passed.
“Lord, the watchmen have indeed seen him. He strikes in the middle of the day. He dries a sled of mud, takes it with him to the entrance of the castle, from which he slides through the village, grabbing innocent serfs at will!”
“Why have my watchmen not disposed of him?”
“Lord, they debate whether to call him Grendel or by some other name. The concern over copyright infringement is discussed, given our chronological proximity to the original writing, as well concerns of originality and not wanting confusion with that other fairy tale.”
Kain ponders this for several moments. He was frustrated at having not thought of the mud sled / serf killing combination first. No matter, he knew whom he could call upon to eradicate this embarrassment. He would just have to think of a more amusing way to sleigh peasants, perhaps firebombing?