Holy... shit... what? Michael Jackson has a video game? Much to my chagrin and yet amusement, I discovered this dogshit in the rough in a friend's game collection, and just had to play it. Wouldn't you be curious too?

I haven't even pressed the power button yet and already this game is making my head hurt. Okay, let's go... Well, so far this isn't too bad. The title screen seems same. Let's start the... AHHHH!!! MY BRAIN!!! Every level is introduced by a floating head apparition of the King of Pop, badly animated, yelling something like "ooooOOOOOOOoowww!" Then comes the stage, where Jackson in a white suit and top hat walks - or moonwalks - around the level throwing sparkly stars at bad guys in Mafia suits, using his Dance Magic to stomp them out of existence, following monkeys to boss hideouts, and - get this - rescuing small children from Mr. BIG. Michael Jackson. Saving small children. If you had any doubts about Mr. Jackson's personal preferences, the fact that this man is abandoning his career to track down and "liberate" these eight-year-olds from various corners and closets of an undisclosed location should quickly rid you of them. And how does he do this, you may ask? Well, here I quote from KLOV's transcription of the arcade game rules:

"He must touch each of them in order to free them."

Is anyone else scared?

Abysmal. Completely abysmal. Normally I would give an older system like the Genesis a bit of slack in the technology department, but the man looks like a goddamn monkey! You can't just put a face on the screen and then tweak pixels to try and make it talk! News flash: when someone is talking, not only their mouth moves. Jackson in the levels looks more like John Travolta with a top hat than he does like himself, especially since you can't actually see any of him. When Jackson punches or kicks, little blue magic sparklies (read: blue pixels) inexplicably fly out of his attacking appendage. When did he acquire this power? Is Pepsi to blame for this as well? Why can't I set Jackson's hair on fire and run him into the enemies? The world may never care.

Now, bear in mind that this is coming from a hearty fan of the King of Pop's older works. The soundtrack consists of five songs: Bad, Smooth Criminal, Beat It, Another Part Of Me, and Billie Jean. These are all good songs. Or at least they were until the Ultimate programming staff handed the tapes to Jedidiah in the sound department. Seriously, whoever tried to put these musical pieces into the game had to have been Amish, because they damn well hadn't seen a computer before. My can opener sounds better than this. Seriously. Just ask the cat.

Please allow me to re-emphasize two of my above statements: the first, about the technological limitations of the Sega Genesis, and the second, about Michael Jackson touching prepubescent children. Question for the gentlemen at Ultimate: what the hell were you smoking when you made this game? Did this concept narrowly beat out "Pete Rose's Vegas Stakes" and "Fidel Castro's Missile Command?" There's a reason nobody has ever heard of Ultimate Productions, and this is it. Jackson wanders aimlessly about various buildings and streets, molesting small children and throwing his hat at random suit-clad men, until a monkey named Bubbles flies in from nowhere and points Jackson towards a stage boss, who he then proceeds to kill using a combination of faerie dust and interpretive dance. It's like having a flashback from all the drugs I never took. The only reason this game gets two points is that I can say two good things about it:
1. You can make the Dobermans in the second level dance to "Smooth Criminal" with you.
2. It has ensured that no one will EVER make a game about Michael Jackson again.

I've always hated the Genesis controller, and this game just makes me want to strangle a passing popular musician with it. Nobody has any idea quite what the controls are supposed to do in Moonwalker, because no matter what button you press, your character invariably does something that you didn't want him to do. Sometimes he'll feel like climbing the stairs, sometimes he won't. Sometimes he'll want to throw angel dust at the guy that's trying to kill him, sometimes he'll want to get the living shit beaten out of him by a pool shark in blackface. The solution to playing this game is, if you want your character to do something, for god's sake don't press the button that's actually supposed to make him do it. Press something else and hope he isn't in the mood to strip off his clothes and pole dance on the streetlights.

In conclusion, this game can only be explained as what would happen when a perfectly normal, competent video game company suddenly decides to method-act Hunter Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The game is pointless, infuriating, and more unintentional-innuendo-filled than the entire Mega Man series. Nowhere is it even explained who Mr. BIG is, why he kidnapped these particular children, what he plans to do with them, or why he's placed this in random buildings guarded by hooligans so inept that a popular musician is sent to rescue them instead of, say, a team of commandos. That's like having a country so pathetic that the US sends the Coast Guard to invade.

+ Dancing dogs

- Everything else

? Does this game even have a shred of a plot?

Overall (not an average): 2.5 of 10
In Japan, owning this game would shame you into ritual suicide.