Worst College Essays... Ever

Written by: Transmetal , Quantum Human, Guest

Worst College Essay 1 - Transmetal

I have many reasons for applying to MIT. I have heard great things about MIT. It’s a good party place, and I don’t like work because work is something I really really don’t like to do. I think that if we hired monkeys to do the work, humans could spend more time getting’ down and reproducing.

We should hire monkeys to do our work, after all, monkeys aren’t going to get drunk and not come in to work until late. I have two pet monkeys; their names are Bill and Jill. Sometimes they might throw poop at me, but I know that deep down inside they love me. They won’t miss me until I leave them. That’s why I wanna go to MIT.

I want to go to MIT because I hear there are a lot of computes there, I love computers. Have you had a chance to play Command & Conquer Generals? It’s an awesome game and would be a blast to play over your networks. File sharing would run super fast too. In short, MIT has everything I want in a college experience.

I’ll give back to MIT as well. While playing videogames and going to parties, I’ll make sure to attend class. If there’s one thing I've learned in High School, It's how important it is to go to class. If you miss class, you miss the hot substitute teacher from local grad schools. You miss movies, and other really cool stuff. By attending class at MIT, I'll help contribute to the community that will give so much to me.

I think that if we hired monkeys to do the work, humans could spend more time getting’ down and reproducing. This is important, if they monkeys aren't making ovaltine powder, who will? Society depends on monkeys more than you might imagine. I wanna go to MIT, and open my eyes to a whole new world because I know my dreams will come true when I overcome tragedy in the face of adversity over the rainbow under the bridge down third street first left on the right and in a cubby hole.

Worst College Essay 2 - Guest

I think high school has been a growing experience for everyone, but me mostly. I think I stand out from everyone else because I'm smart and intelligent. I am arduous, diligent and hardworking. Here is a story about one time at lunch that I think relates really well to my hard-working characteristics.

So, I was 11 (maybe 12, no... definitely 11... maybe 11 1/2... anyway), and had my first major project due in school. I slaved over it. My mom, dad, brother, sister, and Aunt Joe Henry all said I was doing a great job. Then I got carpel tunnel syndrome from writing out my project so much. I was devastated and stuff. So my mom finished it for me. My dad gave me some money and I went to the mall and worked really hard to be able to hold the money in my hand. Then I had to hold the bus railing, then I had to hold the bags with my hands, and it hurt- but I was determined.

So I really feel like this separates me from every other person who is applying at the same time as I am. I'm really hungry and running out of room. Thank you for your time and consideration and I look foreword to meeting you in the fall. Oh, is there any way I could have two dorms? I have a lot of stuff to bring. Are there any horse friendly dorms? I'm really going to miss Nelly if she can't come too.

Worst College Essay 3 - Quantum Human

The person that iz most important 2 me iz my girlfreind. She iz very nice. We go out 2 a movie evary Friday and then we hang out 2gether 4 a while. I met here in school, her name is Catherine. I luv her. We have ben 2gether for 1 year and we r going to b in luv 4ever.

Catherine iz a Freshman and im a sophmore. We go 2 Colchester. Colcheter iz a small town in VT. There iz n/m 2 do in Colchester, so it iz good 2 hav some1 like Catherine. There r lotz of kids that don't have a g/f and they r usully bored. Catherine and me want 2 go 2 UVM 2gether. UVM is a colege in Burlington, VT. It iz very nice. Burlington iz nex 2 Colchester, so it iz not very far away.

Catherine and me met at a party at a friends house. It wuz a holloween party. I wuz drunk and Catherine came up 2 me and said "Hey your cute."

- Suddenly, the ground opens up beneath the feet of the essay-writer and he drops into the abyss... and there was much rejoicing. (yay) end. -