My Thirty-six Seconds With the DK Staff


Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I, Quantum Human, took it upon myself to throw myself into the depths of Domain Kain, at great personal danger to myself, yet with little regard for myself, and even less fear for myself, as I myself am a Domain Kain staff member myself. That being said, I've asked each of the DK gentlemen staffers people idiots to answer a few questions which I hope will allow you to get to know them a bit better. However, we've had a few people who are just... well... yeah, they're lazy. Maybe they'll get around to doing this later. So here we go.

1. What would Jesus do?
Kain: Jesus would sit there and like it.
Transmetal: Replace the Blood and Body of the Catholic mass, with Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough.
Wolfbane: Stay home.
Barbie Boy: Something gay like turn a perfectly good ROCK into Bread.
Shizuka: Realize that he doesn't really exist, nor did he ever, and thus disappear in a puff of logic.
Quantum Human: Probably walk on water... right over the border into Canada. To the strip bars!

2. What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Kain: I'd kick out all the riff raff, build a wall, and play with a kitty.
Transmetal: I'd buy one.
Wolfbane: Steal Cheesy's.
Barbie Boy: Spill the blood of a dozen men, then pretend I'm a monkey and throw my feces at people.
Shizuka: Answer some hate mail. Maybe kill you and pry the cold, tasty bar from your cold, dead fingers.
Quantum Human: Kick you in the face, as I told Trans. I hate Klondike bars.

3. What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?
Kain: Jesus wouldn't do a damn thing. That Klondike bar is mine!
Transmetal: He would take one Klondike bar, and use his heavenly powers to multiply it to feed thousands.
Wolfbane: He'd sit there, dammit, he's Jesus!
Barbie Boy: Set someone on fire and condemn them to hell.
Shizuka: Struggle his hardest against the forces of logic to enter existence proper and claim the Bar, though he would fail miserably.
Quantum Human: Bread and fish. Lots of bread and fish. Well, actually, just however much it takes to trade for the bar.

4. If you had to go on (shudder) Survivor, what crappy little "luxury item" would you bring?
Kain: A sword...preferably the Murasame. Kick me off, will ya?!
Transmetal: A Klondike bar.
Wolfbane: A knife, those other contestants won't last long if I have anything to say about it.
Barbie Boy: A gun... a BIG gun, with lots of ammo. Then if one of the tribesmen turned on me I would kill them, eat them, and use their bones as weapon for my followers in taking control of whateever island we were sent to and calling it ISLAND OF DOOM. Then sue Survivor for millions of dollars.
Shizuka: A waterproof, shockproof solar-powered satellite cell phone.
Quantum Human: Bloody huge knife. Great for cutting stuff, like annoying tribe-mates.

5. Quick, look! Former German dictator-for-life Adolf Hitler is standing in front of you! What do you do?
Kain: Rip out his heart (if it's still intact) and sell it for a hefty sum on Ebay.
Transmetal: Give him a Klondike bar.
Wolfbane: Give him Cheesy's Klondike bar, and ask for a position in his government.
Barbie Boy: Stand up, throw my arm out and yell "Sieg Heil!", then shoot him in the head, parade around his body and yell "I killed Hitler I killed Hitler na na na naaa naaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaa!"
Shizuka: Congratulate him on managing to piss off so many people in his career. Then shoot him in the ass with a poisonous dart.
Quantum Human: Point and laugh at that silly mustache.

6. Damn, this must be your lucky day! Turn-of-the-millennium American dictator-in-chief George W. Bush is standing in front of you? What do you do!
Kain: Kill him and declare myself ruler supreme.
Transmetal: Take away his Klondike bar.
Wolfbane: Shoot him.
Barbie Boy: I would simply give him the biggest bag of pretzels I could find. And hope he died.
Shizuka: Congratulate him on managing to piss off so many people in his career. Then shoot him in the ass with a poisonous dart.
Quantum Human: Have someone else point and laugh as I strangle him with his tie.

7. Lastfullishly, what's your favorite word?
Kain: Regardless.
Transmetal: Prostate.
Wolfbane: Fuck off. (I know that's two words, so fuck off.)
Barbie Boy: WooT.
Shizuka: Strategery.
Quantum Human: Squeeglepants.