A Domain Kain Special Report
--Wellness Day--
A Day Full of... Obscure References... Undercooked Hotdogs... Bad Comedy... And... Wellness?!
Written by:
A tradition, handed down from the ancient ones. That is, to say, administrators from a decade ago. A day of thanksgiving. A day, in which we take a break from the monotony of everyday life. A day of resting (i.e. 50 min long classes vs. 90 min long classes). A day when we put all of our troubles behind us. A day when we can just cut loose and enjoy ourselfs. Or at least, that was the idea. Today, May 9th of 2002, our local high school decided to have a Wellness day. A day that “encourages healthy living”... Or something like that. Our entrepid staff members sneak into this local school to get the dirt behind the veil of “Wellness”. Actually, it wasn’t that difficult. Considering we were students there. But then again, maybe it wasn’t so easy. After all, I appear to be the only one who made it out. So here is the official Domain Kain report on “Wellness Day”.
It all begins on a normal Friday. Fridays being the staff’s favorite day of the week. For us, it is a day of slacking. It is a day of forgetting to write homework assignments. A day where we swear at teachers, and use the fact that it is a Friday as an excuse. But all was not normal. No, for today was Wellness Day. Transmetal began his day with a bowl of those fruit filled square thingys. His favorite part being the fruit, while he absolutely hates the wheat. He is too stupid to purchase the fruit by itself. But that is not the point. He gets onto the bus, assuming it's going to be a normal day. Well, it isn't. The first sign of trouble is when a kid attempts to bring his skateboard onto the bus, and succeeds! This shocks him, as on any normal day this would result in an immediate execution. Things go futher astray, when he arrives at school. When he sits down at the usuasl table with the usual social group, the conversation switches to Dragon Ball Z. This in itself is unusual. Any anime related conversation is usually lead by Transmetal, and is associated with Gundam. Dragon Ball Z, due to Funimation's wonderful dub, has resided in that deep dark place in Transmetal's mind, along with other clutter such as math and various school subjects.
Attempting to assess the situation in an intellectual light, he began to interview the staff members present at school. The following interviews were taken place over the course of the day.
Victim #1: Barbie Boy
Hello Barbie Boy. You are the first interviewed staff member today. What are your thoughts about Wellness day?
Barbie Boy:...
Hello? Wait, Biosoldier, take the damn ducttape off him! I'm doing an interview!
Biosoldier: Heheheheheh...
Alright, now, as I was saying. Barbie Boy, any thoughts on today's events?
Barbie Boy: No sir! I like penguins!
Damn you!
Victim #2: Cheesy Boy
Alright, Cheesy Boy, how has the day been going for you?
Cheesy Boy: The severe spork shortage has caused my superior anataomy to recipricate any and all intellectual stimulation.
Um... Have you enjoyed the shorter classes? Others seem to have...
Cheesy Boy: LIES!!! THE CLASSES ARE NOT SHORTER, YET IT IS YOUR OWN INFERIOR PERCEPTION OF MY REALITY THAT CAUSES SUCH GAPS OF KNOWLEDGE!!!!
(Thinks for a moment) Have you enjoyed the excess free time in which you have been reading Johnny: The Homocidal Maniac?
Cheesy Boy: (Blinks for several seconds, eyes change from a horrid green to a more normal brown) Today has been going great, how about you?
Um, fine I guess
Cheesy Boy: Yes, I have indeed enjoyed the shorter classes. They give me more time to not have to work.
Is it just me or are you delaying your response to my interview by 3 questions?
Cheesy Boy: Johnny: The Homocidal Maniac happens to be the most intelligent, well scripted, comic I have read in a long time.
Is there any chance we may get back onto the same page?
Cheesy Boy: (Blinks for several seconds, eyes change to a horrid green) EVIL INSINUATIONISTS!!! MY UNCLE'S PVC PIPES COULDN'T POSSIBLY HOLD THE SHIT WHICH FLOWS FORTH FROM YOUR INSOLENT MOUTH!!!
Damnit! NEXT!
Victim #3: Fruit Stand Lady
Hi, I'm from Domain Kain and I was wondering if I could interview you on your impressions of Wellness Day?
Fruit Stand Lady: Oh sure, why not? After all, it's not like anybody is coming to my stand... (begins to cry) I mean, health food isn't that bad. It's not like *sniff* I don't work hard to please people. *sniff*
(Looks around akwardly) Um, it can't be that bad, the food I mean. Here, let me try a sample.
(Transmetal takes a drink of a health fruit smoothy. He takes a hard, painful gulp to swallow it down)
Fruit Stand Lady: Did... Did you like it?
(Crosses fingers behind back) Of course! That was great! (Thinks to himself *Shit, this is going to give me indigestion*)
Fruit Stand Lady: OH!!! Thank you! It's such a compliment to here that someone enjoys our products! Here! Take some! (Dumps several gallon containers of the stuff, along with some cheetos esque cheese product into Transmetal's lap).
Um... Right... Thanks... About Wellness Day...
Fruit Stand Lady: Ohhh!! I've got to get to my manager! She'll want to know how popular our products are in this school!! We'll have to produce several thousand more bags! I gotta get to my workplace and place the order!!! (Lady runs off towards exit)
GAH!!!
Victim #4: Shadow
Kain: Hello, I have temporarily taken the place of Transmetal as he has gone off to the can to relieve himself of some poisonous substance he ingested (Munches thoughtfully on cheetos esque cheese product, given to him by Transmetal).
Shadow: Um, weren't you going to interview me?
Kain: Oh yes, I was just coming to that. Hey, where are you?! I can't see you in this light... Ah! There you are! (Speaks to Shadow on the chair) How has Wellness Day been going for you?
Shadow: Well, I found the whole thing to be quite pathetic at first. Come 'on, if they want to give us a break, why can't we skip or something? A good chunk of the student body feels the same way.
Kain: But considering the way things are, it doesn't look like you have much choice in the matter. So, what have you done so far today?
Shadow: The first hour or so of school was basically a condensed version of our regular school day. After that, we went to lunch. It was an outdoor Bar-B-Que. Instead of stale pizza, they let us eat undercooked hot-dogs. An improvement I'll admit, but not by much. We sorta hung out. Transmetal started stalking people, trying to interview them.
Kain: Which is what I am doing right now...
Shadow: Right, but you're not doing the stalking part.
Kain: Of course...
Shadow: In general, not much has happened yet. The whole highlight of the day are the activities we're doing next.
Kain: Which activity did you sign up to do?
Shadow: I'd rather you not make fun of my disabilities...
Kain: Right... The whole "Shadow" thing... Hey, what's Transmetal doing?
Shadow: I think he was going to do the drama thing...
Kain: Dear lord... Oh well... That's all the time we have for now. Thanks for allowing us, that is to say we, which is to say... AH! Grrr... Whatever... I'm leaving now. Bye!
Victim #5: Biosoldier
I would like everyone to, first, understand that the drink I just had was more laxative than health drink. Second, this is going to be a quicky as I have to go down to my drama activity. So, Biosoldier, how has today been going for you?
Biosoldier: Sucks.
Um... Any thoughts?
Biosoldier: Yes, today sucks
Ok, um... What activity had you planned on doing this afternoon?
Biosoldier: hm? Oh, those... I didn't sign up for one.
Biosoldier: Nothing.
No words of wisdom? Do you have anything to say?
Biosoldier: Nope
Well... In that case, I'll be off to my activity right now... We'll be back with a final interview after this break.
Victim #6: Jabox4
Well, that activity was certainly interesting. I have never done stand up comedy before. After doing so, I don't plan on doing it ever again. So we now have our final, exhilerating, 8-page interview (I hope...) with Jabox4! So, Jabox4, what did you think of today?
Jabox4: Ummm...
Any heart breaking drama? Any epic quest?
Jabox4: Ummm...
DID ANYTHING HAPPEN AT ALL?!
Jabox4: You do know that I go to a different school, right?
Of... Of course I knew that! I was just... Uh.. Oh shit... Never mind...