Snowday

Written by: Spotlite

Snow day. Some find joy in these words. Spotlite just found boredom. Sure, getting a day off school with no strings attached was pretty cool, but when you have enough snow in front of every door to where you can’t leave for fear of an avalanche bursting into your house like a weak condom bursting under the pressure of...sorry. That was disgusting; I apologize. But anyway, what is there to do on a day when there’s too much snow on the roads to go anywhere safely? Well, I just answered my own question. He ran to the phone and pressed a few ordered numbers.

“Hey, Trans. Come over to my house. Bring everyone else you can get.”

“Why? It’s kinda dangerous out there. Convince me.”

“Because I said so.”

“Ok.”

And with that, Kain, Barbie Boy, and Quantum piled into Transmetal’s van and headed over to Spotlite’s house; many accidents were gawked at on the way. Imagine that.

“So...why are we here?” Asked Trans.

“Yeah. You better have a good reason to make me break my Legacy of Kain marathon...and you better have eye drops. I haven’t blinked in 3 days.”

“They’re in the bathroom. Anyway...I can’t remember why I wanted you to come over. But it’s snowing! Let’s go cause some car crashes!”

“Ok...hey, how’d you get out of your house? The door has 3 feet of snow in front of it!”

“Easy. I jumped out of a window on the second floor!”

“Ok, but why didn’t you just jump out of a window on the first floor?”

“...I don’t follow your logic...”

“Whatever. Let’s just go before Barbie Boy hurts himself without our help.”

And so they left! Seeing as how Spotlite lived right next to the highway, they could start doing stupid stuff immediately. And seeing as how the interstate was only a half-mile down the road, they could start causing mass panic even sooner!

After driving safely for some time, they reached the interstate. Fortunately for society, there weren’t too many cars on the road. For lack of ideas to do, Barbie Boy decided to start kicking shins. So without a second thought, Kain grabbed him by the scruff and threw him out the door...on the interstate...at 65mph. You do the math; it wasn’t pretty.

With one person gone, Kain now had room to lie down. They got to exit 14 and headed for Church Street: the best place to go to shop, eat, or buy drugs from street urchins. There was much room for parking since most people were snowed in and weren’t as brilliant as Spotlite with his ingenious ‘jump out of the second story window’ plan. Dumbasses.

Anyway, they stumbled out of the van into the blinding snow storm and proceeded to the safety of the building-surrounded street. There were only about half as many people, though the number of drug dealers was about the same: one for every ten normal person. After Quantum was repeatedly attacked by druggies, they decided it would be better to go inside the mall there instead of sitting in the snow and laughing at the shirtless drunken hobos. With frozen behinds and snotty noses, they all marched through the 4 foot deep snow into the warmth of consumer whorism.

"So...what should we do?”

“There’s no food court here, is there?”

“I don’t think so.”

“BACK OUTSIDE!”

So under Spotlite’s command, they all plodded out with much resistance. Kain’s sword almost tasted the blood of Spotlite that day, but fortunately he saw a dime and bent over, while the swing of the sword hit the unassuming Trans in the ass. He was rushed to the hospital, but not after being mocked for awhile as he rolled in the snow trying to freeze the wound shut.

“Holy shit! You almost cut his ass clean off!” screamed the nurse, before passing out.

“Well, now we have TWO messes to clean up!” cried Kain, never enjoying extra work. Or excuses.

“Hmm...I think...we should...go home, eat chips, drink some beers, and watch a good war movie,” Spotlite said casually.

“Good idea,” agreed Kain...for once.

And so they all left, leaving Transmetal writhing on the table with hands clasped to his ass. On the way home, they all careened over a cliff. They all survived...except Transmetal’s van. It exploded before it hit the bottom of the cliff. Damn European car companies and their cheap marketing schemes!

Someone rescued them sometime after that...oh, let’s say...Cheesy Boy did it. Yeah, that works. Suckers.

THE END of sorts!