The Hawaiian Shirt
Written by:
Ya know, it all sorta began in the morning. Not in the afternoon, as some would have you believe. I mean, by that time it would've been too late too make much of a difference. Damn, I looked sexy though.
But back to the whole point. It started around 9am. I mean, I was relieved to be waking up that early/late. It was freaking perfect. After all, high school had only let out the previous day. Or was it the day before that? Ah, who cares. Damnit, it's summer vacation! Freedom! So the day began with me crawling out of bed. I seem to remember making it to the door, then collapsing. I probably woke up around 10am. I got up, dressed, and ate a bowl of Reeses' Peanut Butter Cups.
Ahhhhh... Reeses' Peanut Butter Cups. A cereal with absolutely no nutrition (despite what the "nutrition labels" say. We all know it's a bunch of BS). It's made up of that Captain Crunch corn by product, then it's dipped in a huge vat of greesy chocolate and peanut butter. Hey, it may not be good for your body, but who eats nutrtional foods? If you do, then be my guest, and go to hell.
So after marveling at my cereal for five minutes, I dump the whole thing into the trash. Putting on my swim trunks, I think to myself: "Was I supposed to eat that? Oops.". I continue putting on my trunks. Phew... That was the easy part. I attempt to get onto my bike. And I get onto the bike. And I ride the bike. But not to the neighborhood pool, like I should have. No. I ride it in little circles around the family mini van, hoping to catch an innocent squirrel off guard. Hopefully he won't scream too loud when I run him over.
I attempted to run over the squirrel, but when I tried to run him over, the bike fell apart from the stress. I don't know whose stress. But it appears as if the squirrel had some sort of physic connection with my bike. Damn him. The stupid squirrels always win. Throwing the bike in the general direction of someone's laughter, I took off. Heading towards the pool, a pies. In english, on my feet.
I walk, walk, walk, and walk. I pass the pool. Continuing to walk, I come to the realization that I have walked too far. As a matter of fact, it appears as if I'm back where I started. At my house. Thinking for several seconds, it becomes clear that a more extreme measure is needed if I am to get to the pool. I walk into my room, take off my shirt, and put on my Hawaiian shirt.
"Shite mate, that's one sexy shirt there."
"Why thank you, my dear alter ego."
"Oh... Please don't say that... It makes you sound gay."
"Why yessssssssssssssssssssssss..."
"DAMNIT!!! YOU'RE MOCKING MEEEEE!!!!"
My parents come into the room, and find me screaming at the mirror. They drag me away, and tell me to do some chores. Fine. Do any of them involve driving a car? Apparently so. I take the keys, and drive off into the distance.
Several hours later, I return to the house to ask my parents where I was supposed to go. Oh, the local A&P supermarket you say. Sweet. So I drive the van towards the supermarket. Granted, I not only broke the speed limit, but I did it on the bike path. But that's ok. They were all doomed to die anyway.
Stopping at the supermarket, well, I think I stopped. Well, it was actually the vending machine on the side of the road that stopped me. No matter. I waltz right into the store. That's right. I waltzed. With a man. JUST KIDDING!
I strole down the isles. That's right, I stroled. Well, it was more of a waltz. But that's another story. Damn, I look sexy. Everyone looks up from what they're doing. Sure, some of them fled in terror at the bright blues and oranges screaming from my shirt. Yea, that's right. The colors screamed. One of the store associates asked me to stop them, because no one could hear the in-store music. Fuck that. I'm too sexy. I continue waltzing down the isles. Apparently I was too sexy for some guys. They kicked me out of the intimate apparel section. Why they had one in a supermarket, is beyond me.
After several laps around the whole store, I realized that I forgot what the hell I was here to purchase. Figuring that it was one of two things, I purchased the former. That is, I bought another pound of cheese. I waltz up to the cash register.
"Cash or check?"
"Neither."
"What? OH MY GOD!!! IT'S YOU!!!" Screams Cheesy Boy in terror.
"It's... me?"
"YES you!!! You're the one who... who... GAHHH!!!! GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEE!!!!"
"Who did what?" At this point, Cheesy Boy is lying on the ground. He begins to have muscle spasms. The manager, seeing this, walks over to me.
""Duuuuuude... That was some strong shit we smoked during break. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn..." The manager turns, and stumbles off into the distance.
But in the end, none of it really mattered. The only important part was the shirt. Damn, that was one sexy shirt... OH MY GOD!!! THE SQUIRRELS!!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!! HEEEEEEEEELLLLPP MEEEEEEEE!!! AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGggg...