Gift Night
Written by: Transmetal
Transmetal - You don't celebrate Christmas?
Kain - If by Christmas you mean the birth of Christ, no. I told you, I celebrate Fatalist gift day.
Transmetal - Oh, that's like Christmas then!
Kain - NO!
Cheesy Boy - Alright then Fatalist gift man, where does Santa Claus fit into your celebration then.
Kain - He doesn't, that's why we're up at midnight admiring my sword collection by the fire light.
Transmetal - So Fatalist gift day is Christmas, but without Santa Claus?
Kain - Had I made a wish list, it would've had "Transmetal shutting up" at the top.
Cheesy Boy - At the top of my wish list, I wished to get everything on my wish list. It's like wishing for more wishes, guaranteed consumer whore joy on the morning of the 25th!
Transmetal - I asked for a Pony. It’ll have all sorts of weaponry, and the horn shoots laser beams, spreading Christian joy to all.
Kain - Silence now! I invited you two here because out of the entirety of the staff, you're the only two whose location I knew without having to use the phonebook. Despite your inability to focus, TRANSMETAL OFF THE CHANDELIRE!!!
Transmetal – Awwww…
Kain – As I was saying, I need your help to capture Santa. Fatalist Gift day has long labored in the shadow of Christmas, but no longer!
Cheesy Boy – Gron loves the laboring in the shadow, he finds the sun disagreeable. He demands a pepperoni pizza and a sacrifice!
Kain – There’s only room enough for one deity in the story, and regardless of who he may be, he’s not Gron!
Cheesy Boy – THERE’S ALWAYS ROOM ON MY HARDDRIVE FOR GRON!
Transmetal – Not mine! It’s filled with gigs and gigs of Gundam anime…
Kain – Shutup! Shutup! SHUTUP! Here it is, in simple phrases so you can comprehend. YOU. ME. SWORDS. INTO SANTA. SLEIGH.
Transmetal – We’re killing Santa?
Cheesy Boy – SANTA WILL BE MY SACRAFICE! FOR GRON!
Kain – I’ve picked appropriate swords for you, I’m not going to use their full names because you’ll then try to pronounce them, which would be an insult. Transmetal, here’s a short one. It’s not even sharp, but you’re so hyped of eggnog you won’t notice. Cheesy, here’s a toy light saber, I can’t be too careful around you. The rest of these I’m going to attach to my belt so I look badass, I will actually just bash him over the head with a log.
Transmetal – Will I still get a pony? Why am I only speaking in questions?
Cheesy Boy – Hark! I hear the footsteps of Gron ‘pon the roof!
Kain – No, that would be Santa. Now, hide before he comes down the chimney!
Transmetal – I thought Gron was incorporeal…
Kain – Look, here’s your fatalist gift! Dr.Pepper, now go narrate this scene for me!
Transmetal – Well hello there, I’m the narrator now!
Cheesy Boy – Me too! Me too!
Transmetal – We can’t both be narrator, wait, did you drink my Dr.Pepper?
Cheesy Boy – I can’t speak to whose it was, however I did Dr.Pepper that was left on the floor.
Transmetal – Go back and help Kaine.
Kain – It’s Kain, not Kaine dammit!
Cheesy Boy – He said I can have his pony.
Transmetal – To Kain’s surprise and dismay, Santa did not come down the chimney. Had Quantum Human been here, he would have gleefully pointed out something about it being impossible for a several hundred pound man to fit into a modern chimney. However having long since switched majors, he would have said it all in Japanese and nobody would have understood him.
Cheesy Boy – It’s the pizza delivery man!
Kain – Shit, the front door?!
Transmetal – Hey, if I’m narrator can I just make shit up? Hm, um, so it turns out that Santa was packing heat! Kain and Cheesy Boy dived behind a couch as Santa fired his shotgun.
Kain – Santa! Lets finish this fight honorably!
Transmetal – Ummm, and… Santa said something like “To the death Kain!” and unsheathed his Katana! Kain spent a few seconds trying to decide what sword to take out, but finally decided on the… oh man he was right, I can’t pronounce these words. He took out the shiny, long, sharp one.
Kain - …
Santa - …
Transmetal – The two spent several minutes circling one another, attempting a variety of exciting dueling posses and facial expressions. Like two good poker players playing the psychological game with their opponent. Damn this is boring, I summon the powers of spontaneity!
Kain – Cheese! Did you just slice him in half with your light saber!?
Cheesy Boy – He lied, he’s not the pizza man!
Transmetal – Yes, Cheesy Boy flicked on his light saber and with a quick slice had made mince meat of Santa Claus. Cue hero pose for Cheesy boy!
Kain – Wonderful, I’ll be putting on my coat and getting on his sleigh now.
Cheesy Boy – Can I come along?
Kain – I’ll drive, you distribute presents!
Transmetal – And with this, Kain and Cheesy Boy took off in the sleigh. That night it neither mattered whether you had been good or bad, Christian or Muslim. Fatalist gift day belonged to everyone. Kain drove the sleigh past any reasonable speed, and in no particular direction. Cheesy Boy didn’t pay attention to the list, simply throwing gifts at random car windshields. So to our diverse readership, an “Happy Fatalist Gift Day to All, and to all a Happy New Year!”.