4 steps to popularity

Written by: CheesyBoy

Hey, do you have trouble dealing with these roving mobs of unnecessary mass more commonly called people? Well that’s not a problem, unless for some reason you have low self esteem because you fall under one of the three following categories: fat, stupid, or Biosoldier. Well I have a process that will work for all three of these confusing and also unnecessary (well maybe bio isn’t unnecessary. I don’t know who I would rip on if he left) groups.

It’s a simple four step process.

1) Greet the person.

Some times it’s good to start with: a joke, a threat, a greeting that creates an award silence, or flowers.

2) Make eye contact.

Make sure you look them right in their eyes. It should be noted however, if they are hot, do not be afraid to ignore their face, this is the one exception to this rule. The second exception to this rule is that you can skip this step, just as you can skip the previous step.

3) Punch them in the face

One must make sure that one makes contact. The abdomen or groin is also acceptable.

4) Repeat step 3 as many times as necessary.

I tend to shoot for a minimum of 5 repeats, though that’s not to say 10 is not acceptable.

Watch as I apply this simple process to the following situation.

“Hey”

Step 1, Greet them

“I want to fuck your empty skull!” I joke.

Step 2, Make eye contact

“Umm, you alright, your eyes look a....”

Step 3, Punch them in the face

“Ahhh! Ouch, that fucking hurt!”

Step 4, Repeat

“Help, HELP!”

I think that went well, don’t you?

Now I realize that there are some situations that go beyond your control. These occur when you find someone who is unreasonable, and irrational. I refer to these types as “People Bigger then Me.” One example is Kain.

Now to get out of this sticky situation, I find it is best to do one of two things. The first, assuming you are faster then these PBtM’s, is to run away from them as fast as you can screaming “rape”. This shows that your not scared of anything, and will be back to fight again. They will quake at the sound of your name.

The second, assuming you are not faster then them, is to collapse on the ground, and weep uncontrollably. This shows you are in control of the situation, and makes them the bad guy. People respect cry babies a lot more then they will admit.

Finally, there is a secret third option. This is the super secret Cheesyboy defense maneuver. Basically what you do is force your self into a coma like state, where you feel nothing of the beating that is to come. Sure you wake up with a few broken ribs, missing three vertebrae, and your liver is being sold on the black market, but it’s a small price to pay for popularity, and acceptance.